Wes's Grade: D+Time travel has never been so dumb as in the ridiculous "Jupiter Ascending"
Too bad time travel doesn't really exist, because the Wachowski's would certainly like to go back and relive their "Matrix" glory days, especially after the luck they've had with their films recently. Their new expensive ($175 million), long-delayed (I saw the first trailer for this about 18 months ago) sci-fi action thriller "Jupiter Ascending" is an unqualified, incoherent mess of a movie that is admittedly and sporadically entertaining only because of its energetic visuals and is big letdown for their fans. The film is centered on Chicagoan Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), a down-on-her-luck janitor, and Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), an interplanetary warrior who informs Jones that her destiny extends beyond Earth. Their battle with a powerful alien (current Oscar-nominee Eddie Redmayne) over a youth serum could alter the balance of the universe forever. Directed, written and produced by Lana and Andy Wachowski, there is one simple word to describe "Jupiter Ascending" and that is ridiculous, in every sort of way (I just can't get Tatum's laughably pointy ears out of my head). Appealing largely to the MTV set, who will appreciate this most, this is another of their preposterous, time-traveling traipse's through time and space to save Earth and mankind and if you were confused by "Cloud Atlas," well think again, because I still didn't understand most of it. I will give the Wachowski's credit, they have a strong visual eye, and those serviceable, heavily CG-based, headache-inducing visuals highlight everything else that doesn't work: the muddled story, bad characters, acting, makeup and some vastly inane dialogue. "I have more in common with a dog than anyone," says Tatum. "I love dogs" replies Kunis. Though the appealing Kunis and Tatum are likely to easily rebound from this disaster, I feel most for Oscar contender Redmayne, whose lifeless turn whispering his lines as the milquetoast villain is as awful as his Stephen Hawking was great. I just hope this isn't terrible timing for him, and he doesn't suffer the "Norbit Curse," the early 2007 movie that all but killed Eddie Murphy's Oscar chances, because I'd hate to see him lose due to a flop like this. The laughable mess that is "Jupiter Ascending" is mildly entertaining but largely forgettable, and honestly, I'm ready to just put a fork in this turkey and call it a day. At some point in the future, this could be a so-bad-it's-good cult classic and might eventually make some money (however, to turn a decent profit, Warner Bros. and the Wachowski's should hope for good overseas returns, where it might actually play better), but like much like Tatum, whose character here is a terrible pilot with awful aim, "Jupiter Ascending" will mostly just crash and burn.
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